Your privacy is our most valuable data asset

We collect your name, email address, physical location, browser history, device information, purchasing intent, emotional state, household composition, preferred fork dimensions, and the length of time you looked at the Carpeted Toilet.

Our systems continuously monitor clicks, scrolls, pauses, hesitation, cursor movements, abandoned carts, completed carts, imaginary carts, and moments when you opened a new tab to reconsider your choices.

We use this information to enhance shareholder value, improve conversion funnels, personalize your reality, optimize your experience, reduce unnecessary joy, and ensure that every future product recommendation is disturbingly accurate.

Your data may be shared with trusted partners, affiliates, contractors, consultants, data brokers, ad networks, analytics platforms, interns, and a senior vice president who has asked to see “the toilet numbers.”

Cookies may be used to remember your preferences, your identity, your browsing patterns, and the fact that you once considered buying a sack of moths. Some cookies are essential. Others are aspirational. None are edible.

We do not currently sell anything. Nevertheless, we reserve the right to assign your data a theoretical value, place it in a strategic data lake, and discuss it during a quarterly planning meeting.

You may request access, correction, deletion, portability, or an explanation of why our algorithm believes you need a left-handed hammer. Requests will be reviewed by our Privacy Experience Escalation Workflow.

If we begin selling products, sending marketing communications, processing payments, or achieving any other meaningful level of corporate power, we will update this policy before pretending we planned it all along.